Dear sir,
As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday.
My name is AHMED .L. TIJANI a merchant in Dubai, in the U.A.E.I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer . It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.
I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone(not even myself)but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world.
I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends.
I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, Algeria and Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them.
The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of eighteen million dollars $18,000,000,00 that I have with a finance/Security Company abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations.
I have set aside 10% for you and for your time.
God be with you.
AHMED TIJANI
My Response
Dear Mr. Tinyweenie,
This is obviously a sign from God. I too have Esophageal cancer, but mine is definately curable. I must praise the heavens in that I can assist you in saving your own life!
The team of doctors working on my cancer say that they've never heard of a form of this cancer that is non-curable.
Now, granted, the process for curing it is not enjoyable. A large round tube is inserted in your anus and snakes all the way through your intestines until it reaches your esophagus. It is then removed and a shorter tube is inserted. This shorter tube contains a small rodent. After a few minutes the rodent is removed and the team of doctors prepares you for anestesia and surgery. Wait, no, this was part of a long night of drinking gone wrong. Sorry.
In the actual surgery the doctors remove your esophagus and replace it with the core of an apple...only temporarily, mind you. The doctors then take your esophagus and cut all the cancer out of it and a few of the greener-looking pieces, toss some oregano on it, do a small chant and dance, remove the previously inserted apple core from your throat, rub it on the esophagus, and then re-insert the esophagus.
Brother Acheytool, please reveal that $18mil to your esteemed and ignorant family and travel to the United States to have your life saved. While I'm sure your doctor is well qualified in the area of transexual operations, it appears that he doesn't have all of the needed technology and literature to help solve your problem...though I'm sure he's more the competent in helping solving any genital wort problems you may have.
I would be most pleased to arrange an immediate appointment with my doctors: Dr. Tou Chpenis, Dr. Ijas Vharted, Dr. Parp Smelzawful, and Dr. S. Hitstain. I know that they, and the heavenly hosts can save you!
I just spoke with Dr. Smelzawful and he requests that you eat lots of jello and ice cream and pray the ancient Mayan prayer of homoerotic fertility and esophagus health:
/"Imuh doomass ... Iva tyn-ee cahk ... Ho moe ze xyooall itee es mi way ..."/
Repeat that louder and louder with greater and greater feeling. Your soul will identify completely with the ancient language and its content, as you most certainly fit its wonderous text.
Praise be Oompah for bringing us together, my sister.
Mia Throatsbetter
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