Genius Baby

Letter from Scammer:
 

My Dear Sir,  I am Mr. Bryan Rodwell, I am a British citizen, 59 years Old. Am thinking of relocating since I am now rich. I am one of those that took part in the Compensation/Lottery in London and africa many years ago and they refused to pay me, I had paid over GBP50,000 while in the London, trying to get my payment all to no avail.

I need money for a layer. Please send 300USD to my account and I will share my winnings with you. 
Thank You and Be Blessed.

Mr. Bryan Rodwell
108 Crockett Court.
Kings Way London UK.

My Response:

Dear Mr. Rotsmell,

I am a United States citizen, 9 months old. I understand why you would be thinking of relocating after not being paid your fair share of money in winning the lottery. I dare say that I too would boycott my country if they treated me thus, and if I were a little older. Here is a picture of me and my dog. I'm the one on the left. Yeah, I know I need to lose a few pounds, but it's just, as they say, baby fat, so be nice, old man.

As you can clearly see, there's no way I can drop any coin into your bank account. You could borrow my pacifier if you think it may calm your nerves. Works wonders for mine.

So I can't give you money. Fortunately, for you, I am a genius who plans on becoming an attorney when I am allowed to take the Bar exam. For now, I can only provide free legal advice that is based upon my own study and is not backed by any official stamp of approval to practice law. This means that you may take or leave my advice as you see fit.

I studied up on the laws regarding your case and I believe you have something here. If you could send me the actual documents you received from the various...um, this is really embarrassing, but I have to do a poopie. I'll be right back.

...and back. Again, my apologies. I hate that I have essentially no control over when my body wants to engage in ejecting waste.

So I read up on your documents and I think you have the makings of a solid case.

I have walked around, a few steps at a time only because, if you'll recall, I'm only 9 months old. Frankly, some people are surprised I'm walking at all. I don't know what the fuss is about. Left foot, right foot, left foot, and so on. Anyway, so I checked the newspapers and other resources as I strode purposefully through my parent's living room.

You know what I found?  I'll tell you what I found, Mr. Roachkill. I found a mirror and some of my mommy's wigs. It was so much fun playing dress up for a bit as I contemplated your case. One of the wigs seemed to suit me perfectly, being that I'm a shoe in for Mensa as soon as I can actually speak. Believe it or not, people don't understand half of what I'm saying these days. If it wasn't for my ability to type I'd be relegated to grunting and incoherent babble for all of my communication.

The good news is that I DO have an answer for how you can get your money; the bad news is that it's time for night-night now.

Good luck Mr. Rodenthell. Good luck, and good night.

~Gene I. Usbaby

Tiny Dancer

Letter from Scammer

This is to notify you that your  e-mail has won One million United Staes Dollars in the recent Publishing Clearing House  Sweepstakes, please reply  immediately to collect your winnings. Please Send Your Info, Name, Address, Phone Number. 
You will be given more details by our announcement centre when you send them your reply .

Regards,
Charles Rogers
PCH.SWEEPSTAKES®

My Response

What a wonderful thing to have happened to me!

You see, I have always wanted to be a ballet dancer. From the time I was a small boy, I wanted this. My father would drop me off at the youth center to play basketball with the other boys, but I would always sneak into the dance room.

It's not that I was a butt vandal. Not at all. I love women! But I love to dance as well. Yet, back in those days any boy that dreamed of wearing tights and hopping around on stage doing pirouettes was automatically labeled a dong hound.

I took up various other jobs in order to prove that I was manly. The first one was being a male model. I was able to be out in the sun and do a lot of swimming.

Turns out that being a dancer is just a shade less manly than being a male model though, so I quickly moved on.

My next stint was to be a bumper sitter. That's when you sit, typically with two other fellas, on the back bumper of a bus. I'm not sure why, to be honest. Originally, the man I interviewed with said that I'd be working with metal, but me and the other two fellas hired that day ended up sitting all the time on the bumper until we finally got fired.

 That's me on the right. My pals Irv and Moishi sat with me.

I tried being a company photographer, but never got the hang of it. I just couldn't seem to keep the camera steady on the person's face. This was especially true with men for some reason.

Over the next couple of decades I took odd jobs, but was never quite happy. My father had passed away in the mid-70's. I had gotten a call from my mom that he wasn't doing well. I rushed home from a club and found him sitting up in his easy chair. He took one look at me and had a heart attack right then and there.

It was a very sad day and I made the decision to be a straight-laced fella from then on. No more crazy thoughts of dancing or male modeling or anything of the sort. Instead, I dedicated the next 40 years to working in a factory just like my old man had when I was growing up. I had a couple of kids who turned out tough like my father.

Unfortunately, they were both adopted as my wife, who was simply an angel, could not have children and was adamantly opposed to going to an infertility doctor...though I never knew why. She also never went to a gynecologist. Instead, she went to a urologist. She said that gynecologists never quite understood her special needs. I think it was just because she was shy. We only made love with the lights out and her facing away from me. All i know is that she was the prettiest lady I'd ever laid eyes on.

She passed away a few years ago, though, and I started seeing that my time was coming to an end also.

I looked over my life and I wanted to kick myself for not doing the one thing that I truly wanted to do: dance. But my bank account is mostly depleted and so I felt that my dream would remain unfulfilled.

Then I saw your email and it said that I won a million dollars. Well, I ran out and got my outfit and booked my first lesson in over 50 years! 

Thank you so much for helping an old man's dream finally come true.

Gaylord D. Ancer

 

---

The Tripping Gangsta

Letter from Scammer

I am Mrs.Joan  Gates from United Kingdom, married to Dr. James R. Gates who worked with Texaco Oil Company in Nigeria before he died in a ghastly motor accident on his way to a Board meeting.
Below attachment contains full details, read and reply immediately.

 My Response

Mrs. Gayes,

This is just TOO creepy. The same thing that happened to your husband happened to me! Well, not exactly the same since I'm alive and he's dead, but it's eerily similar. What's worse is that it happens to me every time I go to a Board Meeting. What's worse than that is that I'm not even a member of any Board!

I was on my way to a Board Meeting back in February and during my walk I tripped over a blade of grass and dropped a bunch of books.  

Then, in early March, I was in New Haven, Connecticut, carrying a bunch of boxes to a Board Meeting in London and I tripped again.

I got a bit of an abrasion on that one, but still didn't die.

It wasn't long after that where tripping or falling was just a constant thing. I could just be standing still, minding my own business, and not even going to a Board Meeting or anything, and I'd just tip over.

But the one fall that truly reminds me of your deceased husband's incident, is when I was trying to become a gangsta. I had to go through a bunch of different things while working it out.

The first thing I did was work on using weapons while having my pants riding low, but I just couldn't get the hang of it.

Next, I tried wearing full colors and walking down the street while looking fly, but that didn't work either.

Finally, I picked up a pager and got in with a local group of white guys who were trying to become gangstas. One day I got a hit on my pager and called up. There was to be a meeting in Northeast in one of my friend's basement. It wasn't a Board Meeting, per se, but, again, I've never been part of a Board. Either way, I was all the way across town and the meeting was to start in ten minutes. Being the responsible young man I was, I decided to hustle and get to the meeting without delay. Sadly, I still wasn't very versed in the whole "gangsta pants" thing and I ended up tripping.

I wasn't injured; mostly, I was just embarrassed. But it was then that the gangsta in me died and the vanilla me came back to life, metaphorically speaking, of course.

So as you can see, there is really no similarity whatsoever between what happened to your husband and what happened to me.

I still trip a lot, and all my friends tend to trip with me, but it's a little different these days.

-Buzz E. McTripalot

---

Thurston Howell, III

Letter from Scammer

Hi:)

Finally I was able to write you a message. Not so long ago I was on the internet dating site I saw your email address. I had not previously acquainted when the internet and therefore not immediately decided to write you a message. But today, my day is fine, I have a very good mood and I decided to start a new acquaintance.

That is why I am writing to you my humble post in the hope that you will see it and answer me.

I will be glad to meet you. I can not tell you much about yourself. My name is Kseniya. I am 30 years old.
I'm sociable, interesting girl. In real life, I have not been able to meet the beloved man, and so I'm hoping that maybe on the internet I met a good, interesting man for serious relationship.

I can tell you more things about me and my life in future letters. I hope that my letter to you and you are interested in answer me! I send you my photo. I hope that they will love you!

I'll wait on you and your news photos. 

Kseniya! 

My Response

Dearest Kenya,

I held on to your letter some many days because I was waiting for my good man Jeeves, who is my butler of much report, to dig forth a typing device worthy of a Howell's fingers.

I was once a wealthy man. I had owned most everything a man could own until one fateful day I decided to, as they say, "slum it" with my wife, Lovey, may the heavens rest her soul.

We had awoken every day to the sound of butterflies and golden chimes. Real golden chimes, too, I must say. Our estate spanned the size of a small town and we employed on our grounds alone more people than a modern day Walmart. Ah, yes, Thurston was a happy boy those days.

One of our delicious mornings came and we decided to see how the other half lived. We enlisted our limousine to drive us to the waterfront. Once there we walked upon our own fifty-foot yacht and had the captain ferry us forthwith to the dicey docks that sat on the southeast side. It seems that dicey things are always on the southeast side, doesn't it? Are you a northwest or a southeast gal, Kenpo?

Once there we searched and searched for suitable charter so that we could experience a mock poverty, if only for a few days. We found many an option, my dear girl, but one stood out above the rest.

The Skipper, as he called himself, welcomed us aboard after we funneled a paltry $50 into his hands. Can you imagine purchasing anything for a mere $50? He introduced us to his first-mate, a fellow he called Gilligan. Now that's a name that seemed a bit off to even Lovey, and she was the tolerable sort. Others soon joined the expedition. Let's see now, as I recall, there was a movie star named Ginger, a professor who I believe was a Hinkley but my mind slips these days, and a country girl named Mary Ann that gave old Thurston something to be up and about for on a daily basis. Before we left, we had the captain of our yacht take a quick photo of the group.

 

About half-way into our nefarious jaunt, a storm arose and tossed the boat around. My yacht would have laughed at such a mild shower, but this little boat couldn't contain and so we were sent below with the other passengers whilst the Skipper and Gilligan tried to salvage the craft.

The next morning we learned that we had been marooned on an island with no way to communicate with the outside world. I was completely cut off from my businesses and my estates.

Well, I could go on and on about the plethora of adventures that ensued on that little island, even to the point of telling you about one day when mosquitoes had left us a note, but you wouldn't believe the half of it. Even I once made the comment that if there had been a way to document our lives on that miserable little island--an island that somehow managed to contain minor civilizations and countless other interesting tidbits, even though it wasn't quite a mile in circumference--I would walk off of a moving plane instead of watching it.

The long and short of it is that we were finally rescued. Unfortunately, it had been nearly five years and my business were all under new management by then. My fortune was relegated to less than twenty-million dollars. I was, for the most part, poverty-stricken.

Then Lovey passed away and it has been me and Jeeves in a tiny twenty-room cottage in the middle of Idaho. I won't go anywhere near the water these days. It's a struggle to even allow Jeeves to wash between my buttocks with a sponge after a fresh change of diaper.

After hearing of an old fellow's woes and trials, my dear girl, could you still see within yourself to be with a man of my stature? A man who is easily five-times your age, has only a thirty-thousand square-foot home, possibly six to seven years of life remaining, and just over eighteen-million in inheritance to offer?

Do let me know as Jeeves will need to make up the spare bedroom if you are to avail yourself of it.

Thurston Howell, III

---

Church of Chicken

Letter from Scammer

Ego Tech M.S
Ext 18 Middelburg Mpumalanga 
South Africa.
Tel:+27780407657
Email: rev.mathinusmorgan@aol.com

We the above Egos Tech Church of GOD Mission use this media today to beg or ask you for a cash donation or contribution toward the building of our $2.5million dollars Congregational Church at 13 Lurkin Street Witbank Mpumalanga South Africa.
We ask you in the mighty name of Jesus Christ to assist us in whatever way it may suite you to send us cash donation through this bank account details:- 

EGO TECH M.S
BANK NAME:  FIRST NATIONAL BANK
CHEQUE ACCOUNT NUMBER:  62315986531
BRANCH NAME: MIDDELBURG MPUMALANGA
COUNTRY: SOUTH AFRICA.

We need $2.5million dollars for this project and we are believing GOD for that, but whatever amount pleaseds you help us and you will be richly rewarded by GOD in accordance to his riches in glory Amen. 

Remain bless in Jesus Name
Rev.Mathinus Morgan

My Response

Dear Rev. Mathanus Moron,

I dare say that I, Colonel Sanders of the Church of Chicken, have done some research on your establishment and I am quite impressed. Only a man with the faith of a giant floomplatt and the brain of a gnat could be so effective at running such a noteworthy chantry.

Unfortunately, we are in a bit of a quandary. You see, you, my good sir, are a follower of Jebus. I, on the other hand, worship the powerful poultry GOD Chicken Joe.

Chicken Joe was no ordinary bird. He was a clothes wearing fellow right out of the gate. Suits, ties, top-hats, and everything else imaginable. Why once I even saw him wearing and ascot. But that wasn't why I decided upon worshiping. No, the reason he gained my faith was because he was as shrewd and cunning as any high-salaried litigator you've seen. He fought for the just of poultry everywhere. He even had commandments for his followers. Here are a few of them:.

          1. Solidarity. A chicken who wishes to stand alone must be respected and revered.

2. Confidentiality: Any chicken told a secret, shall faithfully keep that secret until the end of time.

          3. Diversity: All chickens must be free to love who they wish.

Oh, the list went on and on. As you can see Chicken Joe was not too far removed from your Lord in his willingness to save the chickens. Now, I know that I am a man and not a bird. This is obvious to even someone as densely contrived as yourself; yet, I must say that I found more peace in following the teachings of Chicken Joe than I found in following any other deity. To each his own, as they say.

Thus, I will not be able to invest my funds into your church. I do wish you the best in your endeavor though as I hope you do the same for me and my brethren...or is it chickren?

As they say in the Church of Chicken, "May the cluck be with you, my brother!"

-Colonel Sanders

---

Camila

 Letter from Scammer

Hi, how is your mood, weather?

Today here in my city is  remarkable weather, and I have the perfect mood to sit on the internet. I want to tell you that we know each other a little, but I would like to know you better. Because we already had a mutual interest on the Internet one day, at  the dating site. But I don't visit that sites in Internet already. I have only  your e-mail addressl.

And now I would like to continue talking with you, if you're interested?

I think that if you're still in search of a girl of your life, then we can try dating, right?

BUT I want to tell you that in the month of April, I tried to talk to the man  whom I was interested at first. A few days later he asked me to show him my naked photos. Although we did not even know each other well.

And I never sent it to him, because I do not play online anygames. So I think that I'm a girl who appreciates myself and my culture, my upbringing. I would never have sent any naked body on the Internet - it would be a humiliation. I immediately lost all interest to that men. And never wrote him again. And from that moment has  passed 2 months already.

But I hope you're a different person. And if you  can appreciate the right girl. And would never make a such request.

I also do not like to talk a lot about myself now. But I want to say that I'm very versatile girl and take care about myself always. I like  sports and have some  other hobbies.

I am 31 y.o. and I live in Minsk Belorus alone and I don't have kids. My country located  in the Belorus. Well I stop now. Because I even don't  know whether you want it? Or perhaps you have a wife or girlfriend already?

If so, then I apologize for this letter. Just don't reply this. But if you're really looking for a serious relationship and never want to play online. Then I would be happy to continue. I hope you will like it.

I am sending you a photo and a warm hugs from Minsk Belorus.

 Hoping to get a nswer from you soon, and  your new photos.

Camila here.

My Response

Hi Cameltoe,

You sure is purdy! Heck, just last night I was tellin' my ma that if I had me a girl like you I could quit datin' her. Then I thunked about that and said, "You know what, Jinkers (that's my name, by the way), you couldn't quit datin' ma even if ya did find a new girl. That girl just wouldn't be ma!" Here is my ma so you can see what I'm ramblin' on about.

Ma

Ain't she somethin'? She done quit smokin' recently, which was a disappointment, but I love her anyhoo.

But then I seen yer pitcher and now I wonder if there is such somethin' as true love. Aside from ma, I mean.

I tried datin' my sisters a few times. Not all three at once, ya mind. Well, truth be told I was datin' two of them at once for about two weeks but they figured it out and I was in a heap of heck. The problem wer that I couldn't figure out which of them three was fer me. Theys all got that somethin' in theys own way. So you got a lot to stack up to. Here is theys pitchers so you can see what I mean.

 Vicki Lynn

Baylee-Ann

Sharlexia

Either such, I gotta bring up some serioius issues before you get a piece of old Jinkers. Is you faithful? By that I'm meaning to ask is you a lady that gonna sleep with all my friends or is you gonna be hunnerd percent faithfull to me? I can't be havin' after a woman that won't sleep with my friends, so you think on that and get back to me and then we'll get after talkin' about what we does next.

Yer new lover,

*Jinkers

---

Barrister DAVID WEST

Letter from Scammer

Dear Friend,

I am Barrister DAVID WEST, a solicitor and Advocate of the Supreme Court of Nigeria (Notary Public) and Principal Partner of David west &Co. of Suite 23, Princess court, Victoria Island Lagos- Nigeria. I am the attorney to late Mr &Mrs Richard Lenor Burson of 70 &79, Venice Isles, Florida , an expatriate who used to work with an oil firm in Nigeria.

On the 31st of October 1999, my Client and his wife, Lenor were involved in a plane crash(EGYPTIAN AIRLINE 990), and died with other passengers aboard as you may confirm through searching the interweb.

The banker to my client (Prudent Int, Bank) has issued me, being the executor of his Estate, a notice to provide the next of kin or have the deposit of his funds to the tune of USD750.000,[SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS] that has been with the bank here, converted to the bank's treasury as unclaimed funds after four years according to the banking laws.

Since then, I have made enquiries to several embassys' and home offices,to locate any of my client's extended relatives, but this has proved unsuccessful.

In view of this, I got your contact through my country's Foreign Trade Mission, and I had the notion of honour to present you as the NEXT OF KIN to make a claim of this funds with the bank here in Nigeria. The request for a foreigner in this respect is occasioned by the fact that my client was a foreigner and a Nigerian cannot stand as his next of kin.

As executor of the Estate, I will be legally and fully involved in the claims process, and therefore in a position to guide you through the processes as contained in the laws of our Land.

I have all relevant documents to wit as his personal attorney, and all that is required is your honest co-operation to enable us successfully conclude this claims.

I have left the discussion and agreement for your renumeration for your involvement until you confirm your interest and readiness to partake. Non-theless, I am willing to give you 20% of this sum, for providing an account and assisting me for the bank to make the transfer. 5% will take care of any expenses that might be incured in the process of succeeding the transfer and the balance 75% for me and my associates. Thereafter, we shall visit your country for disbursement as stated above as we will draft a Memoradum of Understanding(MOU) to this effect. Upon receipt of your response, I will send you by fax or e-mail a draft application of claim which you will send to the bank.

I will expect your swift response to this mail and i will also implore you to realise that this proposal requires the highest level of confidentiality, so do keep this to yourself.

Regards.

Barrister DAVID WEST. (S.A.N).

My Response

Dear Mr. West,

I would certainly love to assist you, but I've recently been diagnosed with a severe rectal hemmorage problem. My Doctor, heaven bless him, says it is most likely associated to my overly large man-breasts. I would curse my genetics, but to what avail?

Since your proposition would most certainly require travel, I would find it difficult to commit. Even as I sit here, my puckered hole is soaking my chair cushion. If, in the near future, the doctors at Saint Joseph's are able to cure my bleeding ring, I will most assuredly contact you again.

I wish you all the best in your endeavor. In a small effort of support, I will do ten jumping jacks and three squats in your honor...after first laying down towels, of course.

Sincerely,

-Colon Payne

---

Alhaji Mohammed Abacha

Letter from Scammer

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am sending you this confidential email to make a passionate appeal to you for assistance. I got to know of you through my searching in the internet for a credible investor that will be of assistance to my family.

In the light of this,I am Alhaji Mohammed Abacha, son of the late General Sanni Abacha the former military head of state of Nigeria. I have been in detention in the last four years following the death of my father for charges of State organized murder and corrupt practices. I have just been released by the Supreme Court after the president brokered a deal with my family regarding my freedom.You would have read some of the news recently of how the government of my country claims that my late father loot their treasury before he died. Since the assumption of power by the present civilian government in Nigeria, my entire family has known no peace. The present government has set out to humiliate and persecute my late father's family and associate for both real and imagined sins of my late father. They have confiscated all the assets they could lay hands on, frozen bank accounts both here and abroard and generally emasculate the members of my family.All these victimization and more have left me, my siblings and most especially my widowed mother in a very difficult situation in the battle for suvival. In view of this experience and in order to avoid further decimation of the family's futunes, my mother and I have decided to entrust a reasonable part of the family's hidden funds under the care of a trustworthy foreigner for safekeeping.Her major problem is that while I was in detention my mother's movements and access were restricted since she is virtually under house arrest and constantly Monitored . This explains my having to contact you through this medium.Let me therefore inform you in the utmost confidence that before the freezing of certain key bank accounts in Nigeria, we were able through a technical arrangment to withdraw monies totaling US$35,000.000.00 (Thirty five million USDollars only) which was immediately moved out of the country through the help of some of my late father's close associates who are still serving in the present government.It is both my wish and my
mother's that you assist us in the safekeeping of these monies.

I will be able to discuss with you if the proper arrangements are made.I have arranged and agreed with my mother that 25% of the total sum will be for you for your kind asistance, while 5% of the total sum have been earmarked for expenses that might be incured both local and international in the course of the whole of the transaction, including calls made either by you or both.But please note that this request is contingent on your undertaking that you shall make the fund available to me on demand as primary condition prior to the commencement of this
transaction.

Please keep me posted via my alternative email address

I will be looking forward to your favourable response.

Regards,

Alhaji Mohammed Abacha

My Response

Dear Agibagijockitch,

I dream of this email and pray that I could assist, were it not for my addiction to vanilla pudding. Every time I see an old man fall down and run to assist him, I think of how great it would taste to have vanilla pudding and I run to the store instead, leaving the man to suffer his fall.

Please pray for me brother, as I will pray for you. Pray that I be given a lot of vanilla pudding and I will pray for whipped cream. Unless, of course, you wish to pray for the whipped cream too. I will pray that you find some mindless drab to help you with your cause, and also that you will soon learn to live with the loss of your father, General Saywhat "Hockalunger" Abachaphlegm.

Take care of your family and I will take care of my vanilla pudding needs.

Love,

Anita Puddinfix

---

Alex Ikpeba/Scott Anderson

Letter from Scammer

ATTN: BENEFICIARY,

Following the inefficiencies and inconsistencies of the Central bank Nigeria[CBN] in matters relating to the release of approved contract and inherance funds, the Federal Government of Nigeria has resolved to settle your outstanding funds in cash.
Consequently, you are required to contact Mr. Scott Anderson. He is the Director of OPeration of of Brinks Global Financial Services, New York, USA. His Email address is scottanders60@yahoo.com

Mr. Scott Anderson has been given the responsibility of ensuring a smooth and succesful delivery of your consignment to your designated address. You should get back to this office in case you wish to be clarified on any issue.

Respectfully,

Dr. Alex Ikpeba
Chairman contract/inheritance
Tel: +234 802 481 1998

My Response

Dear Scoot,

I'm writing to you because I got a note from Dr. Alexia Ikyweenie.

This couldn't have come at a better time. I just recently won the lottery here in the states and I happen to have ample funds to resolve this issue. Finally! I was worried that I wouldn't be able to settle this up, but now things are good.

My winning ticket brought me in a whopping $23,000,000! Can you believe it? And to think that just yesterday I was about to declare bankruptcy and put my wife to work whoring. She seems a little disappointed now that plans have changed, but we're financially set! Heck, I may even be able to help your bank buy a mailserver so you don't have to rely on yahoo for email anymore.

...just a sec...phone call coming in.

...it's the tax guy. Don't ya love the tax guys? 

...hmmm

...okay, bad news. Turns out that after taxes, fees, and various other tidbits of coinage removal, I'm only going to receive $53.19. Shit. 

Well, that's life I guess. Wife seems happy again anyway.

Check it out, if that $53.19 minus a pizza and some beer (so about $13.11) is okay, I can send that along. Will that settle things up? Oh, shit, I forgot that I need to snag some condoms to get the wife's business started, and a little change purse (she's planning to only accept nickels), so that leaves about $0.94. Hopefully that'll break us even?

Let me know, Scooterman.

Your pal,

Ivan DeLotto

---

AHMED TIJANI

Letter from Scammer

Dear sir,

As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday.

My name is AHMED .L. TIJANI a merchant in Dubai, in the U.A.E.I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer . It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone(not even myself)but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world.

I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends.

I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, Algeria and Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them.

The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of eighteen million dollars $18,000,000,00 that I have with a finance/Security Company abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations.

I have set aside 10% for you and for your time.

God be with you.

AHMED TIJANI

My Response

Dear Mr. Tinyweenie,

This is obviously a sign from God. I too have Esophageal cancer, but mine is definately curable. I must praise the heavens in that I can assist you in saving your own life!

The team of doctors working on my cancer say that they've never heard of a form of this cancer that is non-curable.

Now, granted, the process for curing it is not enjoyable. A large round tube is inserted in your anus and snakes all the way through your intestines until it reaches your esophagus. It is then removed and a shorter tube is inserted. This shorter tube contains a small rodent. After a few minutes the rodent is removed and the team of doctors prepares you for anestesia and surgery. Wait, no, this was part of a long night of drinking gone wrong. Sorry.

In the actual surgery the doctors remove your esophagus and replace it with the core of an apple...only temporarily, mind you. The doctors then take your esophagus and cut all the cancer out of it and a few of the greener-looking pieces, toss some oregano on it, do a small chant and dance, remove the previously inserted apple core from your throat, rub it on the esophagus, and then re-insert the esophagus.

Brother Acheytool, please reveal that $18mil to your esteemed and ignorant family and travel to the United States to have your life saved. While I'm sure your doctor is well qualified in the area of transexual operations, it appears that he doesn't have all of the needed technology and literature to help solve your problem...though I'm sure he's more the competent in helping solving any genital wort problems you may have.

I would be most pleased to arrange an immediate appointment with my doctors: Dr. Tou Chpenis, Dr. Ijas Vharted, Dr. Parp Smelzawful, and Dr. S. Hitstain. I know that they, and the heavenly hosts can save you!

I just spoke with Dr. Smelzawful and he requests that you eat lots of jello and ice cream and pray the ancient Mayan prayer of homoerotic fertility and esophagus health:

/"Imuh doomass ... Iva tyn-ee cahk ... Ho moe ze xyooall itee es mi way ..."/

Repeat that louder and louder with greater and greater feeling. Your soul will identify completely with the ancient language and its content, as you most certainly fit its wonderous text.

Praise be Oompah for bringing us together, my sister.

Mia Throatsbetter

---

MISS Sonoh Lawrence

Letter from Scammer

Good One,

I am MISS Sonoh Lawrence, 21years old and the only daughter of my late parents Mr.and Mrs.Lawrence. My father was a highly reputable busnness magnet-(a cocoa merchant)who operated in the capital of Ivory coast during his days.

It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France during one of his business trips abroad year 12th.Febuary 2000.Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masterminded by an uncle of his who travelled with him at that time. But God knows the truth!

My mother died when I was just 4 years old, and since then my father took me so special. Before his death on Febuary 12 2000 he told me that he has the sum of Ten Million United State Dollars.(USD$10 000 000) left in a security company in a mettalic trunk box, but the security company didn't know the content because it was registered as family valuables for security reasons. He also hand over the documents to me.

I am just 21years old and a university undergraduate and really don't know what to do. Now I want you to assist me clear the consignment from the custody of the security comapny. This is because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incessant political crisis here in Ivory coast. The death of my father actually brought sorrow to my life.

I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in this regards. Your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded. Now permit me to ask these few questions:-

1. Can you honestly help me as your daughter?
2. Can I completely trust you?
3. What percentage of the total amount in question will be good for you?

Please,Consider this and get back to me as soon as possible.

Thank you so much.

My sincere regards,
MISS Sonoh.

My Response

Miss Sonar!

My mother died two months before I was born, so I understand how you feel. She was on a similar business deal in France and she also died mysteriously. Well, actually she died from a bullet wound to the stomach that pierced my brain and killed me too. So we were both dead for nearly forty-seven days. When they found us, my mother farted and I flew out. The powerful fart breathed life back into my lungs! Praise Ali! My breath is horrible now, no matter how much toothpaste I use, but I am alive.

Unfortunately I won’t be able to help you in this venture of yours, though. My pact with the devil precludes me from helping those who love the other guy. Any chance you would be willing to accept Satan into your heart? If so, I may be able to you help!

Yours Truly,

-Bobby (Bullet Baby) Crotchmerchant

---

Mr. Andrey Sergey

Letter from Scammer

Dear Friend,

I am Mr. Andrey Sergey a close associate to Mikhail Khodorkovsky who was once the richest man in Russia untill he was jailed and his business crumbled by the present Russia Government. I have an amount in the tune of US$8.5M, which I seek your partnership in accommodating for me. You will be rewarded with 5% of the total sum for your partnership.

As a close associate to him, i was handed the mandate to transfer the said funds from Russia to an European private bank immediately after he started having problems with the Russia Government. Already the funds have left the shore of Russia to a European private bank where the final crediting is expected to be carried out. While I was on the process, He got arrested for his involvement in politics by financing the leading and opposing political parties (the Union of Right Forces, a liberal/social democratic party) which poses treat to President Vladimir Putin.Please view this website for more details. http://www.nationmaster.com/encyclopedia/Mikhail-Khodorkovsky

All I need from you is to stand as the beneficiary of the above quoted sum. The transaction has to be concluded before Mikhail Khodorkovsky is out from jail. As soon as I confirm your readiness to conclude the transaction with me, I will provide you with the details.

Can you be my partner on this? In the event you are not interested, I sincerely ask that you disregard this email. Please note that you should keep this strictly confidential.

Thank you very much
Regards
Andrey Sergey

My Response

Dear Andrey,

This opportunity sounds absolutely perfect for me! I have been hoping for something like this to come along for quite some time. You see, recently I had an accident where my arm was bitten off by an alligator

(http://www.underwatertimes.com/news.php?article_id=31975010428). It didn't hurt as much as you would expect, but it was no picnic either! I now find doing basic things difficult, such as:

1. Typing. This email alone has taken me 14 hours to type.

2. Wiping my ass. I have a rather large ass, so I used to pull my cheeks apart with my left and right hands, and use my third hand to wipe with. But now that my third hand is gone, I've always got a mess in my pants.

3. Masterbation. You know, yanking the noodle, tugging the tool, pulling the pipe, whipping the wang, spanking the ham, chokin' the chicken...oh, I could go on and on, if it weren't for the time it takes typing.

Anyway, I digress. I used to yank with my left, twiddle my tendervittles with my right, and poke a digit in my dark passage with my middle. Now that I have no middle, I have a dirty wrinkle hole (see 2) and no ability to poke at it. It makes 'feeding the chickens' a complete waste of time for me.

So, as you can see the use of $8.5 million would be amazing for me! Oh, wait, it's only 5% of $8.5M??? Nevermind then...I'd rather keep my poo-painted puckered passage than get only 5%.

Sorry I won't be able to lend you a hand...erm...

-Chang Po-Yu

---